Thursday, May 28, 2009

you're welcome

wanna know what really makes me mad? what really gets my goat. it's such a simple thing, really. but the manners of today's american really get my dander up.

most often, it's when you thank someone for doing something. "thank you." "you're welcome." what's so hard about that. but i can't count the times i've told someone "thank you" and had them respond with "no problem". it's like fingernails on a chalkboard.

i know it's no %^$&ing problem, you idiot. you're a waiter/waitress/cashier/receptionist/whatever, and it's your job to take my order and bring me my food. you get PAID to do that job. so when i say "thank you", well, i don't really need to. you see, your boss says "thank you" every week when he hands you your paycheck. i'm going beyond what's really necessary when i say "thank you". if you're a clerk at walmart, if you're a cashier at a convenience store, if you're the receptionist who answered my phone call, you're %^$&ing getting paid simply to do what i'm asking you to do. i don't have to say thank you.

when i say "thank you", i'm going above and beyond the call of duty. i say "thank you" to you because i'm a nice fellow and i appreciate those who's job it is to serve me when they do so effectively. so when i say "thank you" it's almost always because you've done a satisfactory job, or better. i don't have to say "thank you." i just want to.

so when i say "thank you", have you any idea how rude and irreverent it sounds when you say "no problem"? i know it's no %^$&ing problem! it's what you get paid to do! for chrissakes! of course it's no %^$&ing problem. it's your %^$&ing job! so don't say "no problem". me, and all those other people you serve throughout your trying day, we all know it's not a problem, or shouldn't be a problem, for you to have served us. you're just doing your %^$&ing job. so don't tell us it's "no problem".

the proper way to respond when someone thanks you for something is by simply saying "you're welcome". plain and simple. concise. the message that conveys is that you feel ok about doing your job. and you welcome the opportunity to serve us in whatever way you're getting paid to serve the general public. "you're welcome". simple.

"you're welcome" can be embellished. i've done it myself. "you're very welcome". that sounds even better. but if you say it that way all the time it's gonna sound rehearsed. insincere.

"you're most welcome". i've heard that one. and that's nice, too. and if you really wanna make someone feel good once you've served them, when they say "thank you", try "it was my pleasure". that's really gonna make your customer feel special. but be careful you don't shorten that to "my pleasure". somehow it just doesn't sound as real.

but whatever you do, learn to avoid "no problem", or "not a problem". not only is the wording curt, there's no way it can be said in a convincing fashion.

tomorrow's lesson: how to screen phone calls without offending the caller. (there's another lost art.)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

doctor's orders


doc said to watch my caffeine intake. so i'm limiting myself to two cups of coffee each morning.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

idol schmidol

you can't spend much time on the internet without being offered a peek at someone's opinion regarding the outcome of american idol. most tend to feel that the viewing voters of america (hereinafter referred to as "v v o a") got it all wrong. that adam lambert was head and shoulders better than kris allen, danny gokey, et al. it's just a travesty that v v o a took the victory away from adam. how could that happen?

well, i have an opinion about all that. but first, one clear, concise fact. kris allen won american idol! v v o a decision is final. that's a fact.

as to the opinion . . . well, i think adam lambert is a more talented vocalist than anyone else i've seen on idol. of course, i've only watched the last two seasons, so maybe there were better. or equal. adam exhibited a tremendous vocal range, perfect pitch (i know, cause randy said so), and could sustain a high c as well as any operatic diva. and the one thing he had that i don't think anyone in the world can compete with is screechability. no one's ever gonna screech as high and as long as adam lambert. so when measuring the competitors on a basis of pure talent, adam lambert wins.

it's also my opinion that danny gokey is a more talented vocalist than kris allen. but his voice was most suitable for bluesy stuff. gruff, moving. and i feel his versatility was limited by that. i also feel that his story, while helping him get into the final three, hurt him in the end. i have to wonder if v v o a began to ask themselves "am i voting for gokey because i like him, or i feel sympathetic toward him?" once they begin questioning their choice, many will waver.

i suppose allison was talented as a vocalist. i think she'll show that even more as she matures. the thing i didn't like about her her was often times her loud, throaty voice seemed faked, rather than natural. she had to really push it, and i felt i could hear a difference in those cases.

having said all that, the critical thing to remember here is . . . american idol is not a talent contest. it isn't touted as a talent contest. if it were a talent contest their judges, who, at least presumably, know more about recognizing and developing talent than the vast majority of the v v o a, would make all decisions.

but, alas, american idol is really nothing more than a popularity contest. to support this, paint yourself this picture: big fat guy with a mullet, 28 years old, and you know, fat people really have a good sense of rhythm, so he moves real well. and he's got adam lambert's voice. and he doesn't make the final twelve. or even the final thirteen. talent's a factor, but not the primary concern. it all comes down to the blend of raw talent, appearance, stage presence, and likeability. not necessarily in that order.

in this case, obviously v v o a felt that kris had a better mixture of all these than adam.

then the blogging experts claim that adam lost to kris because of his questionable sexuality. then they claim that the gokey supporters merely voted against adam. well, whether or not any of this is true, it doesn't matter. the vote remains in kris's favor, and that makes him the winner.

and the surprising part of kris's win, from my perspective, is that kris won in spite of what i believe is the make-up of v v o a. one hundred million votes. that's a lot. but that doesn't mean a hundred million people voted. let's consider just who is voting, and how.

my guess would be that the vast majority of the votes are cast via text messaging. it's quick, easy, and no busy signals. i would submit that the demography of v v o a would break something like this:

14-24 year olds - 50%
25-35 year olds - 30%
35-45 year olds - 15%
<14> 45 - 5%

idol producers know that. and that's why they limit the age of competitors to the under thirty crowd.

but then, who sends text messages? i'm guessing most would be sent by the 14-24 group. some by the 25-35 folks, and a rare few by the rest. and then of that demographic, who would most inclined to vote ten times? or twenty times? or a hundred times? answer would be - the younger crowd.

so a hundred million votes cast by maybe thirty million voters? would that seem reasonably accurate? all that considered, i think v v o a did a tremendous job. favoring a clean cut, rural, spiritual country boy over the glitz and glam rocker, when it's the younger crowd making the biggest part of the decision, well, that's pretty re-assuring. this seems to conflict with the voting trend in our country - at least when it comes to electing our highest officials. and i have to wonder, if we could motivate voters in a political campaign to turn out in such force, and they would choose what appears to be wholesome over, well, questionable, who then would we have in the white house?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

treasure hunting

i think that most of us, speaking about the red-blooded american male, have, since we first discovered their existence, longed to own, or at least use, a metal detector. we've fantasized about finding great masses of buried treasure, just ours for the taking.

and since my sister mentioned to me once that they've found all sorts of antique items buried in their yard, i've been thinking i could find wondrous things. if i just had a metal detector.

so one day a few weeks back i went hunting. not treasure. but hunting a metal detector. and i found one in a pawn shop not far from home. at a very reasonable price.

when we got home i played with it a bit, but didn't understand all the settings and how to read the display. it beeped constantly, and i kept finding nothing.

so i decided to rely upon the trusty internet and was able to download the instruction manual for the treasure chest locater x-134. and after perusing through the manual, i figured the darn thing out.

so sunday afternoon, after braving the outback and the snakes, i decided i'd brave the wilds once again and set out in search of buried treasure. below are the items i've discovered to date. validating the claim that all men need this too.

auction item number 1 - my first find, the gold nugget


well, i set out to the wilds with my metal detector. my first stop? my back yard. and as luck would have it, within the first minute the instrument started beeping. and the display indicated that it thought what it had located was either gold or some sort, or some type of coin.


i didn't have much digging to do. this was on the high side of the yard, where time and erosion, as well as subdivision excavation, had over the years reduced the amount of soil covering this up.


the gold coloring immediately caught my eye. wow! my first find is a true treasure. a gold nugget. and it's pretty good sized, as well, perhaps an inch in diameter. this alone will cover the cost of my detector.


i was really excited by this rare find. i came running into the house and showed it to hon. and she did everything she could to burst my bubble. first she pointed out the grooves that seemed to run the perimeter of the nugget. plus, she noted, because of it's light weight, it's no doubt aluminum rather than gold.


shucks.


to add insult to injury, she pointed out that the item was actually smashed, and in it's original state had been threaded. no doubt the cap from a wine bottle. from one of those fine wines that use a twist off cap rather than those cheesy corks that they use for cheap wines.


that's ok, cause now i realize that the item is a part of history. since our yard is in the direct flight path of wiley post airport, this has to be a bottle cap that wiley, or his constant companion, will rogers, dropped out the plane window when they were coming in to land.


no, that can't be. cause they were still using those stupid corks in bottles back in the 30's.


well, the item maybe be worthless. but wait, garth brooks lives not far from him. maybe . . .

auction item number 2 - the deadly arrow


what an amazing find. i'm more excited by the history relative to this object than anything else i've uncovered.


found buried about six inches deep in the back yard was this prehistoric cherokee hunting arrow. very impressive in it's condition.


but as a novice treasure hunter i made a few mistakes with this one. you see, when i initially uncovered it, i found merely the tip. at first i thought i may be messing with some type of utility piping, as it was metal, and i didn't generally think of arrows as being constructed of metal. i guess the prehistoric cherokee were very technologically advanced. even more impressive is that the butt end of the arrow seems to be constructed of something resembling plastic. wow!


anyhow, my mistake was this. i grabbed the tip of the arrow and pulled. and the rest of the arrow simply followed the tip into the open air.


had i been more patient, had i been a little more skilled in hunting treasure in this fashion, i'd have taken more care. because i'm guessing that the feathers probably peeled off when i pulled the arrow free. then as i thought more about it other considerations came into play. the arrow was essentially level, with the arrow tip pointing toward the house. deeply buried. so i have to wonder how, if it was shot from a distance, that it would be level. seems as though it would be angled, tip deeper than the butt end. hmmmm.


that's when i figured out that the arrow had likely been imbedded into some sort of prehistoric animal. who up and died and lay there for many centuries as silt and clay eroded onto the top if him. perhaps a wild boar. or maybe even a wooly mammoth. and had i thought quickly enough, i probably could have uncovered the remains of this prehistoric beast. now i can't remember the exact spot where the arrow was located. and damned if i'm gonna dig up the whole yard to find the wooly mammoth. who knows, that could be dangerous. maybe prehistoric mammoths could hibernate for hundreds of years. and he'd still be alive. or maybe prehistoric maggots could . . .


bidding for this very value item begins only at $0.01, plus shipping.

auction item number 3 - number two, number two, number two


not to be confused by the number two of a different sort, this is actually a number two pencil. this was found about knee deep in the back yard. not much available to identify specifics about this item. i'm guessing it dates back to the 1950's, cause it looks very much like those pencils my older sisters used to use when they were in school. not high school, elementary, my dear watson.


all that's discernable on this piece is the lead type, number 2, and what once was the word "china", which i believe would indicate the country of manufacture. the most interesting thing about his pencil is the teeth marks. i'm thinking some dna specialist could take this and determine to whom it once belonged. probably garth brooks or wiley post.

auction item number 4 - perhaps an ancient race car toy?


i found this item deeply buried in the outback. i was surprised by it's size. and it's in almost pristine condition. except for being flattened out.


what it is, i believe, is some sort of beverage advertising gimmick. and since i remember seeing race cars with identical logo art, i believe this is actually an antique toy car. you can see things that resemble the roof opening flaps used by today's nascar racers, and i think that's what these represent.


this would have been a great toy for the lethargic child. sure to wake him up.


bidding shall commence at $0.01, plus shipping. low reserve.

auction item number 5 - prehistoric beverage container


my fifth treasure find involved a bit more work than the previous items. as you can see in the picture, this is a very ancient beverage container. however, while still identifiable, it's far from it's original state. years of exposure to things such as brush hogs, zero turn radius mowers, and 22 inch craftsmen caused the container to explode into six very uneven fragments.


in truth, this was really treasure discoveries number 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. but since they are all so obviously part of the same original, i'm only counting them as one.


bidding on this item starts at $0.01, plus shipping. no reserve.

auction item number 6 - the ring


yes. this is it. the item you've all been waiting for. my most recent discovery. beeped it up in the outback quite by accident. i was giving up, as the mosquitoes seemed to be finding more treasures than i was. namely me. so as i was walking back to the gate, with the detector aimed no where in particular, the beeping started. and i can tell from my detector that it's something smallish. something seemingly silver or gold.


so i dig. and i find. this time it's an amazing solid silver ring! well, maybe not solid silver. maybe it's silver coated? or maybe chrome coated. but i think it's a genuine treasure. no doubt was once someone's wedding ring. or engagement. at the peak of the ring there are threads, where i believe a diamond was once screwed in. or maybe some metal something in which a jeweler would mount a diamond.


hon says it's too big to be a ring. i'm thinking that in prehistoric days there were probably lots of women with 1 1/2 inch diameter fingers.


we'll start bidding on this item at $0.01, plus shipping.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

the outback - revisited




it's been nearly two weeks since the snake episode, and i've sworn off mowing the outback. hey, it's not part of our yard. it isn't our responsibility to maintain it. and i even called the city the other day to complain. there is an ordinance whereby property owners who fail to keep their lot clean and maintained can be fined up to twelve hundred dollars. and i'm hoping that's what's gonna happen to whoever owns these parcels we lovingly refer to as "the outback".




when i called in the complaint i learned that the mowing last fall came about as a result of a complaint. so the property owner is not only an idiot, he's an already been warned idiot. i don't mind giving him the business again. (gotta quit watching wally and the beaver so much. i'm beginning to talk like them.)




then today turned out to be nice. around 11 the mercury reached 70. as opposed to virtually every other day for the last two weeks, there was nary a cloud in the sky. a beautiful day. and as i looked out the back door, beyond my patio, beyond my lush, green grass, i was sickened by the foot deep grass in the outback. so i reversed my decision and drug out mister craftsman and headed into the wilderness.




i gassed up before i started mister craftsman. i know the outback will consume a full tank. and i don't want to run dry out there. after the snake episode i'm a bit spooked. i don't wanna be out there any longer than necessary. and certainly don't want to be stand in one spot for very long. makes for an easy target.




i mow in a clockwise direction to start. that way the discharge chute is away from the fence, exterior borders. and that allows me to mow closer to the fence. eliminates a lot of weed whacker work. so i headed out west, then north, then east, back south, then turned back to the west approaching the area now known as "snake hollow".




i was a little apprehensive as i neared the hollow. maybe a little paranoid. heck, let's be honest. i was scared. snakes scare the doo-doo out of me. and in this tall combination of grass and weeds, you can't see much. until it's mowed. and i'm mowing a 22 inch path. it's particularly unnerving on the first pass cause i can't see the ground up ahead. so i watch the tall grass carefully for movement.




my eyes began to dart back and forth. too and fro. hither and yon. wonder if that oughta be "to and fro". yeah, i think it should. change that to "to and fro". and then hither and yon. then thither and wan. and any other direction my nervous eyes can jerk to and from. and i slowed down my pace. i was being very careful.




i passed the corner of the fence placing me smack dab in the middle of snake hollow. my heart was racing wildly. i tried to be extremely stealthy in my movements. as stealthy as you can be with a 6.5 horsepower craftsman roaring in front of you. but my intent is to get mister copperhead, if he's still around, to notice the mower and not the mower pusher.




and as careful as i was being, it was certain that any movement would catch my darting to and fro eyes. i took the precaution of leaning a shovel against the fence there in the middle of snake hollow. but i questioned if i could stride, grasp and thrust the shovel at mister copperhead more quickly than he could lunge and strike at me. that's why i'm so damned scared.




and then i saw it. coming out of the deepest grass. the unmistakable lethal head, with the unmistakable jaws, with the unmistakable eyes, of mister copperhead himself. and he was lunging. striking directly at me. i felt my first heart attack nearing. and as mister copperhead got closer, in mid-lunge time shifted downward into slow motion. that set jaw. those beady eyes, those wiry legs . . . legs? anyone ever realize how closely a frog's head resembles that of a snake?




when i picked myself up off the ground i had to chuckle. the frog missed me by three feet. and i completed mowing without further excitement.








Friday, May 15, 2009

tis

we met wayman tisdale in early october, 1990. the phoenix suns had for many years opened their training camp in flagstaff. high altitude training is good for conditioning. many olympic class athletes still go there for nau's high altitude training program.

at the conclusion of the sun's annual week in flagstaff they would stage an exhibition game. in the older days, as in 1990, they made it a neat community event. in fact, they called it an "ice cream social". just one more reason for me to show up. in addition to watching a game for free, we also got to enjoy free dessert. perfect!

but the really neat thing they did was, prior to playing their scrimmage, the team and coaches, and trainer joe prosky all lined up in folding chairs behind folding tables and fans could walk along the tables getting autographs sequentially from everyone associated with the team.

scooter was 3 in 1990. and already very much a sports fan. so he and i, along with mom and boog, lined up with the rest of the fans so scooter could have the group sign his mini-basketball.

tis was new to the team. just acquired somehow from, i believe, the kings. we knew of him. but not much about him. didn't even know he'd been a star sooner. but he, andrew lang and tim perry were sitting together at one table. and as i recall it was perry who asked scooter his name when he was presented the basketball to sign. and when scooter said "scooter" the three of them started chuckling. they seemed to think scooter was a pretty cool name for a three year old.

and they all took their time with scooter. chatting, laughing, high fiving. gave the kid quite a thrill. heck, gave his old man quite a thrill.

from that point forward, tis became one of our favorites. along with thunder dan and kj and tom chambers and mark west. we felt like we knew them after hand shaking and kabitzing at the ice cream social.

that was the last year the suns had the ice cream social. after that it became commercial. ticket sales. larger venue. and no chance to play meet and greet with the players. but we sure enjoyed our one big opportunity.

scooter was diagnosed with leukemia three and a half years later. and a funny thing happens to people who are diagnosed with cancer. and to their families. you no longer fear looking at a kid with a bald head and a moon face. instead you're inclined to walk up to them and begin a conversation. i like to tell scooter's tale, in brief, and offer some sort of encouragement. most who haven't experienced the disease up close and personal don't feel comfortable doing that sort of thing. we learned from scooter's ordeal.

and while someone several years ago placed a bold check mark under the "cured" column on scooter's ledger, we still frequently have an opportunity to get involved, at least emotionally so, with others that are faced with the dreaded disease. cancer patients and their families all seem to naturally develop this sort of bond.

we all felt bad, weakened really, when we heard a couple years ago that wayman tisdale had cancer. bone cancer of some sort, as i recall. but as we read about it, for he was a famous athlete and musician and his story was told in lots of newspapers throughout the country, we were encouraged by his faith, his confidence, his positive attitude. we felt sure wayman, like scooter, would be added to the "cured" ledger in short order.

we read about tis having his leg partially amputated. insurance, he said, to make sure the cancer doesn't find its way into other areas of his body. and we got a little misty-eyed last fall when local news footage showed wayman, in a wheel chair, rolling through the crowd in norman to attend the ou/osu game. and of course the local reporters interviewed. his voice clear, his demeanor positive. we were glad to see him so pleasant.

we were stunned when he heard the news report this morning. wayman tisdale lost his battle with cancer. he died this morning in tulsa. where he grew up.

and while i'm sure he soon forgot meeting a kid named scooter and signing a little basketball for him nearly twenty years ago, we haven't. and we still appreciate his kindness. almost as if we've lost a family member.

r i p, wayman tisdale.

Monday, May 11, 2009

roids

manny ramirez is suspended for 50 games because he tested positive for some drug. not a steroid. not anything hallucinogenic or anything like that. some sort of estrogen drug which his doc prescribed for a "personal heath matter". and it also happens to be the same sort of drug the juicers take to restore natural testosterone levels when they're done with a steroid cycle. that's certainly not why manny was using it. maybe.

i'm really an avid baseball fan. i've followed baseball, and more specifically the boston red sox closely since i was nine years old. i cheered and gestured with carlton fisk when he hit his nearly foul home run in 1975. i spent a month in a mandatory state of depression in 1986 when billy buckner let the ground ball roll between his legs that allowed the mets to go on and win the world series. and i rejoiced in 2004 and 2007 when our boys not only succeeded in breaking the curse of the bambino, but did it twice.

but baseball in the last 20 years or so has been a different game. to recognize this all one needs to do is look at the best in the game over that period. barry bonds. mark mcgwire. roger clemens. just to name a few. and maybe sammy sosa and alex rodriguez. and who knows who else. all these baseball superstars have served to make these last twenty years bad for baseball. as bad as, according to some, the strike year. and, as bad as, according to others, the black sox scandal.

the trouble is, we really don't know who "used" and who didn't. we've got some pretty good ideas in some cases. and some pretty strong speculation in others. and while much has been made of all this - should mcgwire be allowed allowed to enter the hall of fame? how about roger the rocket? well, i just feel the need to share my feelings.

first off, i'm sure not a fan of barry bonds. i can't deny that he was a great ball player. but he's also a jerk. he didn't get along well with teammates. he was rude and crude to his fans (got that from his godfather, willie mays, no doubt. i met him and he was really abusive to his young fans). but he was a great ball player.

and i'm no longer a fan of roger clemens. i was, of course. back when he wore the red sox. but as a fan i was probably blind to his arrogance. i defended him when he threw the broken bat piece at, hmmm, who was it, piazza? and i defended him when he first was accused of using steroids. but boy, he sure painted himself into a corner. and maybe he's telling the truth and everyone else is lying. but if he's not, he certainly is a brash individual for his vehement denials. but he was a great pitcher.

raphael palmiero? he sat in the senate and swore he'd never touched anything remotely resembling a steroid. then a few months later tested positive for usage. how stupid is that? but he was a pretty talented ball player.

but in looking over all this in a logical fashion . . . did they really do wrong? should their baseball achievements, and records, where they exist, be tainted?

consider this: the "performance enhancing drugs" they took, when they were taking them (at least prior to 2002, were not specifically banned from usage by major league baseball. most were not even illegal in the united states. so what gives baseball the right to dole out punishment if the infractions were prior to the ban on substance usage? in my mind, they don't.

i've recently watched historical baseball documentaries covering various "eras" of the sport. there was the black sox era, the babe ruth era (which was immediately following the black sox era, and helped to restore fan following after the scandal), the dimaggio era, the yankee era, etc., etc., etc. but the babe ruth story was what really gave me cause to question all that's going on right now.

babe ruth began his career as a pitcher. who happened to also be a pretty good hitter. so when he was acquired by the yankees, they felt his bat was more valuable than his arm, so moved him into right field. and he started hitting home runs. before long he was at 30, 40, 50 home runs in a season. then he fell flat. average dropped. home run production dropped. for two full seasons. in fact, in the 1924 world series manager john mcgraw even benched him.

then in the off-season babe took it upon himself to get back into shape. he said he quit drinking. he said he ate better. he said he trained. and in 1926 he came back. lots more home runs. better average. overall better play. then came 1927, and we all know what he did then.

but what did ruth really do to make himself great again? is it not possible that he found some sort of performance enhancing substance that allowed himself to regain his old playing form? possibly? could other players of that generation, guys that hit 400 frequently, pictures that started 40 or 50 games a season, have found some type of naturally, or otherwise, enhancing secret? i would bet that, even then, or maybe particularly then, if they had something to use for that purpose, they'd take it.

when i was a teen guys i knew who wanted to play football, lift weights, build up, would take things like wheat germ. there were others things too, but look at me. i obviously didn't use any of them, so i can't remember what they all were. if steroids were available, and maybe they were in some form, back then, many would have taken them. just to improve their appearance. or maybe their athletic performance. even way back then.

so my point is, one has to believe that baseball players, along with football players, basketball players, and who knows what other athletes (certainly race horses) have long been using any and every substance they could find that might give them an edge. and likely as not, most were not illegal when they were popularly used. so how can baseball now condemn a few for using enhancing products when there is absolutely no way they can be assured this type of thing didn't happen way back when.

let it go, baseball. put it behind us. make it illegal from now forward and quit trying to punish those who you cannot prove did anything wrong.

pete rose, on the other hand . . .

Monday, May 4, 2009

the outback


CAPTION: mister copperhead. he may not have been this big, but he was this scary.
CAPTION: the outback. you can see the tall stuff where i quit mowing.

i decided i needed to mow. should have done it several days ago. but it's been pretty rainy. and today the forecast showed no rain. tomorrow we're expecting tons of it. i decided i needed to mow.






i have three mowing areas . . . the front yard, which is pretty easy. except the part between the driveway and the neighbor's yard. i have a hard time deciding where to stop mowing. they don't mow, it seems, so i always infringe a little on their property when i mow. sometimes i'm tempted to mow their entire lawn. nah. i'm not gonna do that. i'll wait til the semi-monthly mowing they hire done.






after the front yard comes the back yard. this is some work. our back yard is, oh, 60 feet by 90 feet perhaps. but the elevation drops some i feet from the house to the backyard fence. somewhere or another i have to push that heavy lawnmower up hill at about a 40 degree angle. and since the self-propelled feature of my mower isn't working, that backyard mow is some work.






after the back yard comes what we refer to as the "outback". apparently land is more plentiful here than it was in flagstaff. and probably more affordable. when we moved in here about a year ago we were told that the outback was part of the homeowner's association "green belt". therefore, the association would maintain that parcel.






well, the outback extends from our fence back another 60 feet or so to the creek. and . . . , it's not always a creek. it's really overflow from our lake which runs somewhere else going east from here. and last year it seems as though the folks that do the maintenance on behalf of the homeowner's association forgot about our outback. oh, it also runs behind two other houses, then opens up wider as it nears the street to the east. someone, i've no idea who, mows the outback from the street in to within two houses of us. there they stop. no idea why. last summer as i waited for the association to mow, the weeds and hearty grasses didn't wait. and before mid-summer the entire area was waist high.






i'm thinking that's not a good thing. as we'd already had battles with fleas, and then snakes, i began to feel that if the outback was cut, like the grass areas in our association park (which is seperated from the outback by a fence, for some reason. the various and sundry critters would cease to inhabitate the area.






well, throughout the summer the greenery continued to grow. unchecked by anyone. our neighbor to the east decided to replace the fence between us. as he was digging up the old fence he uncovered a nest of snakes. copperheads, they said.






the neighbor's helper seemed to be pretty well read on snakes. copperheads, he said, are very dangerous snakes. not only are they aggressive, their bite, if it strikes a vein, will kill you before "the amb-lance can git ya to the hospital." and he wasn't just some hillbillie. first of all, his name wasn't william, willie, bill nor billie. his name was jerry. and i have it on good authority that anyone with that name is automatically pretty darned intellilgent.






so we were taken aback a bit by learning that these dangerous creatures were residing so near us. for a while i kept a shovel out on the patio for defense against these creatures. but as time passed and none were seen, we pretty much got over the fear of being bitten in the vein by the dreaded copperhead.






oh, back to my story. somewhere during the fall, someone in a big, zero-turn-radius mower showed up mowing the outback area. i wasn't terribly surprised, as this seemed to be the guy who mowed the eastern most part of the area. but instead of stopping where he normally would, he mowed the whole damn thing. all the way back to the creek, all the way up to my fence. (except for the part immediately east of our fence and behind the neighbor's fence. that made no sense.)






well, i'm pretty good at taking care of a yard. and i decided that i wasn't gonna let the outback grow out of control again this season. so, as spring dawned and things (mostly weeds) began to turn green, i mowed. and after mowing the back yard i'd go out and mow the outback. not so bad since there was no growth in the winter and spring hadn't fully sprung.






i mowed a few times. then mister zero turn radius mower showed up and mowed again. ah, i get it. this is a semi-annual fest of some sort. (i'll address that in our association annual work meeting, which comes up next saturday.)






so i'm mowing the outback. ztr is mowing the outback. outback is really starting to look a lot like park. and then the rains came.






i mowed the outback 11 days ago. and it rained ten days ago. and nine days ago. and seven days ago. and then 4, 3, 2 and 1 days ago. so the outback, as well as the back yard, had a good deal of time to grow, a good deal of moisture, and no opportunity to mow. so outback made some major strides in beginning to look like it had last summer. in fact, i swear there was some growth that was at least a foot deep. in only 11 days! can you imagine?






so on the one day when we weren't supposed to get rain, i decided i needed to mow. so i rolled mister craftsman out of the garage, gassed him up, and cruised through the back yard. a little wet, but not as wet as it's gonna be tomorrow when it rains more.






then i stopped at the backyard filling-station, gassed up, checked the oil, cleaned mister craftsman's windshield, and pushed open the gate from the backyard and entered the outback.






on my first pass, right up against my fence, i saw the slither. just ahead of the mower. then, out of the corner of my eye i saw it again, this time in the freshly cut grass just inside the yard. mister copperhead. and he's in no hurry to escape. he's not quick slithering. he's simply sauntering. biding his time, cause i'm sure he knows i'm much more afraid of him than he is me.






i should say, at this point, that i can't be perfectly certain this is a copperhead. during the course of our brief, casual conversation, i was unable to draw much from my usually excellent ability to judge character. he could have been a harmless, garden variety garter snake. he could have been a deadly copperhead. in fact, he could have even been a she. either way, i wanted him/her gone. sadly, he/she got gone before i could grab a shovel and amputate it's filthy head. it slithered in the general direction of the tall, as yet uncut area behind the neighbor's fence. joining his hundreds of siblings, cousins, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. that i'm sure make that overgrown plot their kingdom.






now i'm a little on edge. do i continue to mow the outback? knowing full well that there are snakes present? do i abandon the mower and run for the safety of the house? well, i decided that the best course of action was to continue mowing. but keeping my eyes carefully focused on the area close to my feet.






i hadn't gone a dozen steps when i saw another slithering movement. my heart lept. my feet lept. but the slithering twig settled back down harmlessly. crap. i'm a bit jumpy. three of four more slithering twigs caught my attention during the mow. none of which seemed very confrontational. didn't make me feel any less uneasy. i remained keenly focused.






as i neared the minimum mowing boundary i'd set (i could stop just beyond the extension of my property line, of i could be a good guy and mow all the way over to the continually mowed area. I've done that each mowing thus far. however, due to the depth of the growth, together with the sighting of dangerous characters, i'd determined that i'd mow the minimum area. then, if i hadn't run out of energy and hadn't seen any more copperheads, and the mower hadn't run out of gas, that i'd continue onward, one swath at at time.) anyhow, as i neared my minimum mowing boundry, i began to feel moisture. i'd been fighting off jumping/flying insects of various sorts all along, so at first i didn't even realize i'd been feeling raindrops. then it became pretty evident when the lawnmower frame, gray in color, began to show evidence of rain. i had two or three more passes to reach my mmb (minimum mowing boundary) when hon stepped out into the back yard and was waving to get my attention. i signaled for her to wait one minute. i figured she was telling me i had a phone call, or she was going somewhere. i was nearly done. the rain had intensified.






i made my final two passes, shut off mister craftsman, then, wiping the mosture from my face turned to hon and asked what she wanted. "i wanted you to know that it's raining." she must not think i'm very smart.






Saturday, May 2, 2009

me-anderings

saturday, the first one in may. which could only mean it's kentucky derby day. mint juleps. chicks with silly hats. and three hours of television programming all to show a two minute horse race. you'd think that, given the present state of our economy, advertisers would be hard to find, so they'd eliminate all the mindless hoopla and just broadcast four minutes. ok, i'll give em half an hour. don't need three hours, that's for sure.

right now they're talking to jerry jones. for tracie and the rest that don't look around very much, who think michael jordan is an actor, jerry jones is the owner of the dallas cowboys. (they're a football team, tracie.) and i guess some sort of tornado struck his cowboy's practice facility and some damage done and some minor injuries. i'm sorry for that. but not a fan of jerry jones nor the dallas cowboys. let's get on with the race, already.

i'm not much of a follower of the sport. i most always watch it. but i don't read much of the pre-race hype. for betting purposes, and our betting is merely for bragging rights among the family, when the telecast first came on i made my pick. i've selected desert party. when i selected this fine filly, or maybe she's a stud instead, i don't know, but when i selected desert party odds were 15-1. i figure i'd be happy with a fifteen million dollar return on my million dollar bet. hopefully they'll accept my powerball ticket in lieu of a million bucks cash. surely it's a winner. hmmm, wait. give me a minute.

ok, i'm back. just called my bookie. actually, i called my daughter adri. she lives in vegas. she's putting a million bucks down on desert party to win. i don't have a million bucks. and neither does she. but i told her to to stop at circle k on the way and buy a one dollar lottery ticket. then when she places the bet to explain to the cashier that the ticket's a million dollar winner. i'll be really mad if that lottery ticket turns out to be a fifty million dollar winner and i only realize 15 million from my million dollar bet. a safer bet would be that the casino won't accept the lottery ticket for a million dollar bet. or a one dollar bet either. short of that, i'm putting five bucks on desert party (or was that dessert party? that would be sweet. just saw it flash on the screen. now that i think about it, maybe i didn't look closely enough. either way, a five dollar win ticket will pay me seventy-five bucks or more. unless i'm wrong and the fickle filly doesn't win. or the stupid stud. whichever it would be.